Everybody’s the same. Everybody wants to be wanted. Everybody wants to be loved. People want to be accepted as they are, and yet they want to be part of some group—whether it be at work, at home, in a community, by a mate, in a church. You catch my drift. This usually involves a trade-off. Sometimes you like someone and want them to like you. Since this is a sexually oriented blog, I’ll give two sexually-oriented examples.
(1) My first wife enjoyed anal sex. This worked great for me because so did I. She had a lady-friend who (and here’s where my judging comes in) smoked dope but thought less of a person who would engage in anal sex. She said she thought it was sick. My wife, having an interest in maintaining this friendship, didn’t mention her penchant for anal sex. This did not prevent her from discussing her (read: our) forays into pubic shaving, her dislike of giving (but not getting) oral pleasure, her exploration of threesomes. These were all within bounds, but she didn’t want to be rejected because she was different from her friend because she enjoyed anal sex.
(2) My current wife as you can read here throughout has enjoyed many lesbian encounters, and though she still cherishes the thoughts and mentions now and again how she would love to be going down on a woman, she had a female friend who detested the thought of two women having sex. Now, you might not think that odd until I describe her background a bit more fully. This woman was a stripper. She was married and yet had an extramarital boyfriend. She also enjoyed anal sex. When her husband found out about her affair, she told him that she would take half of everything he worked for if he didn’t accept that she was going to have sex with this other guy for as long as she pleased. According to her, her husband was terrible in bed. “For the sake of the family,” they remain together. In any case, my wife is very careful not to bring up her Sapphic leanings.
My point is that these people engage in behaviours many people would find objectionable, as do I. In order to “fit in,” they suppress themselves. They present a different persona to these people.
Since I am not easily shocked or offended, I believe I know my wife more fully that others. I don’t believe she has any sexual secrets from me. I have not held anything from her, either. I know many other people who have sexual skeletons in their closets. I know some sexual things about some women that their partners don’t. In most cases, women share their sexual exploits with other women. In my case, my wife has girlfriends who tell all about the sex lives with their husbands. My previous wife did this, too.
So, I know, for example, that such and such’s husband is good or bad at this or won’t do that or hasn’t tried such and such. I tend to know which of her girlfriends has what sort of proclivities. Some times my reaction when my wife tells me is, “I would’ve thought as much,” but other times it is more like, “She does that?” or “He refuses to what?”
What this comes down to is poor communication. Instead of waiting for a person who is open to accepting you as you are, you resort to closing down aspects of yourself the other person might be offended by. This is not a sustainable model. It is no wonder so many marriages end in divorce.
Communication in my marriage is not perfect. She tells me more than I care to know—as in the sexploits of her friends—, and she says I don’t talk enough about my feelings. But we do know about each other’s sexual past. She never tried to lie or under-represent the number of sex partners (male and female) she had, though she sometimes admits that she wished to have had fewer. She doesn’t hesitate to tell me about how she liked it when this guy did this or that guy did that. She also doesn’t hold back when describing how this guy had a huge cock or his semen tasted weird, and she didn’t mind telling me about this poor Asian man with a 4″ pencil dick. As with many women, she had been sexually abused; she had been date-raped; it almost happened again with two other guys who had planned a male-male-female threesome. She had consented, but changed her mind once they were all naked.
She tells me she is very glad I love to give her oral sex so much. Over 99% of our sexual rendez-vous start with me going down on her. Unlike our former president, I consider oral sex to be sex. While it can be foreplay, I tend to think of it as an end in and of itself. There is nothing quite like the pleasure of delivering pleasure so intimately.
Sometimes I think if humans were better designed, they would be more compatible. Wouldn’t it be nice if when a partner had an orgasm, you experienced the same. Sex would almost always be great because by giving you would be receiving. I have always made an effort to be a conscientious lover, and I have had the luck of having generally conscientious partners. My current wife probably being the most so.
How did I get here? Rambling. People want to be wanted, and yet there is a conflict when it comes to individual expression. Buddhism has a concept of no-self. We are not and can not be individuals. We are all connected. We are all the same. Like a grain of sand on the shore, removing that one grain does not change the character of the beach as a whole. Humans tend not to view the world like this—no right understanding.
Wanting is a form of suffering, and as the Four Noble Truths go,
Life is suffering;
Suffering is due to attachment;
Attachment can be overcome;
There is a path to this.
Wanting is attachment—desire. Nothing is permanent. You can have nothing, so why want it. Happiness is ephemeral. Once you have something, you worry about keeping it or not losing it, but everything decays. Humans, animals, plants: we all have limited lifespans—even the universe, itself. And it is always changing. We are never the same. At the molecular level, we are always changing. From one moment to the next, I am a different person. Don’t quote me on this, but I have heard that every seven years or so we no longer have any of the original molecules we had had seven years prior. So what is Self. There is only no self.
Wow, this post went horribly astray… 🙂