I was reading Budding’s blog as I like to do, and she had a comment on suicide. Suicide attempts are fairly common, I think, but most people won’t bring up the topic in casual conversation. I know quite a few people who have attempted suicide, and I can think of two in particular who did it. One was the father of a girl I was dating. He took holiday in Hawaii and shot himself in in hotel room. The other was diagnosed with a terminal congenital condition and decided to beat the grim reaper to the punch with a morphine overdose.
My brother committed slow suicide. Many people do this through drinking, drugs, and other risky behaviours. He died about a year ago this month, having deon all of these things. Here’s his story.
He was always a sad chap, confused, manic-depressive, schizo-affected. One day he decided to have sex with a guy who had been begging him to have sex with him…no strings attached. He could get all the head he wanted with no reciprocation necessary. He took him up on the deal. Well, one thing led to another and then one afternoon they moved on to ass-fucking and finally we convinced to be the recipient.
He told me the evening it happened. He told me what he had done and said he hoped he got AIDS. As it turned out, he did. It took about 10 slow and agonising years before his suicide manifested, but he got his wish. Before he found out about the AIDS, he decided to try “dating” men as well as women. Of course, this meant simply fucking anything on two legs that would agree. He starting introducing lots of men and fewer women. I have to admit his taste in men was better than that of his choice in women, but who am I to say. I wonder how many of these people contracted HIV. They all travelled in pretty much the same crowd.
Suicide is a desperation generally traced back to an attachment—to things, to persons. Generally an end is necessary, but the end is misinterpreted to be the end of a life instead of an end of attachment. Somehow the signals get crossed. Attachment also includes avoidance, as odd as that might sound. In the case of avoidance, one is attached to something they reject pathologically. This avoidance may be to pain and suffering, but these things always exist. They are part of life itself. Enlightenment or awakening are the way out of suffering. Suicide just doesn’t cut it.
I don’t know Budding, but I hope she has come to terms with her life and can get through all of this, through medication or meditation.