My Favourite Life

October 15, 2007

Painless Anal Sex

Filed under: Anal Sex,Sex — myfavouritelife @ 3:52 pm
Tags: , , , ,

Many people arrive here looking to research how to have anal sex without pain. Common search strings are

  • how to do anal sex the right way
  • how to have anal sex without pain
  • painless anal sex

I am sure there are people of both sexes seeking answers. Although I know males do have anal sex with other males, I will speak in terms of male and female partners. I don’t mean to offend anyone here—at least not now. There is the guy trying to engage in anal sex with his reluctant partner. Perhaps she is not even very reluctant, save for the prospect of painful penetration. Perhaps she has had anal sex before with less than stellar results. Perhaps it is she who wants to expand her repertoire and offer him some back door pleasures, but she wants to know how to do it painlessly.

I suppose many seekers end up on the Anal Sex 101 page, and I still feel that page just about sums up the basics. But here, I just want to focus on the issue of pain during anal sex. The quick answer is that if you are a typical couple both doing it right, there should be no pain. If you are hung like a horse, well, you may consider yourself to be atypical, and this may not as readily apply—though I have seen guys hung like Pepsi cans able to enjoy anal sex without hurting their partners, so the concepts still apply.

As I say in Anal Sex 101, there are only two big rules to abide by when engaging in anal intercourse: go slow, and use lots of lube. Besides these, follow the lead on the recipient. When she says, “slow down,” slow down. When she says, “stop pushing,” stop pushing. I think you get the idea. For the most part, she will take the brunt of improper bum fucking. Listen to her. Period.

Let me sum it up:

Go slow. It isn’t a race. Let her relax. Let her ass relax. When her ass is relaxed enough, it will let you in. Otherwise, you are pretty much going against the current. You are not a salmon. Wait for her to be able to receive your cock. It will be worth the wait.

Use lots of lube. If you think you are using too much lube, use more. Her ass is not going to self-lubricate. It is not her pussy. It is not her mouth.

Finally, if you can manage to do this without pain, she will be willing to let you do it again and again and again and again. It is your best interest to do it right.

I hope this is instructional and adds a little more information to the Anal Sex 101 post, which I hope you read next.

EDIT: I lost track of my point when I wrote this. My original reason for writing this post was to talk about the products supposedly designed to numb her ass when receiving anal sex. My advice is not to use these products. She needs to feel what’s going on back there. While anal sex can be painful if not done right, you want to make sure you are in fact doing it right. Trying to disguise the pain that shouldn’t be there in the first place is not a good idea. Do it the right way, and you won’t need this stuff. Use this stuff, and you may mask what you are doing wrong, but once this wears off, she will know you didn’t do it right, and it may be a long time before she lets you back in. Do yourself a favour: Do it right!

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  1. anal sex is also a very mental experience, and having a ‘connection’ with the partner helps eliminate the pain. and I don’t necesarily mean love, more like understanding, patience, trust and simply liking the other person. that’s a woman’s perspective.

    Comment by coquetteinbed — October 16, 2007 @ 11:40 am | Reply

  2. I appreciate your feedback. Perspective is good.

    Comment by myfavouritelife — October 16, 2007 @ 1:43 pm | Reply

  3. Thanks for your comment, and glad to discover a new great place on the web!

    I appreciate that you are giving such good advice on the topic. I know that the first time I tried anal sex I was so turned on that I didn’t need that much prep… So definitely another piece of advice is to max out on the foreplay and get your partner so hot they are begging for it… then this is a good time to attempt it.

    I know also that some girls just tense up at the idea… does she like anal play of any kind? Before attempting cock in ass stuff, maybe you need to explore with just touching, licking, or using some nice wee little butt plugs first. If she likes the sensations then she will likely graduate to wanting more!

    Comment by Miss Tender — October 23, 2007 @ 12:22 pm | Reply

  4. The whole point of anal sex is to experience the intense friction and pleasure that come from it. As a female, I have learned from trying anal sex that I need to be willing to feel some pain in order to ultimately derive the pleasure. Never use a numbing cream. It’s better to use a bit of lubricant to make it a bit easier for him to get his cock into your asshole, especially if he has a cock that is wider than 2 inches in diameter or longer than 7 inches. But don’t use too much lube or you won’t feel enough friction, let alone pleasure. Yes, there will be some pain during initial penetration, especially the first couple of times. But after a few minutes, the pain usually subsides to a more tolerable level. Then, you can relax more and allow him to proceed with deep thrusting. Then, just let yourself go and focus primarily on pleasuring him. That will make it easier for him to pump faster and harder, which will in turn heighten your pleasure and possibly bring you to orgasm once or twice. When he cums inside your ass, arch your back so that his cock can achieve the deepest penetration possible.

    Comment by Amanda Heffelfinger — August 26, 2008 @ 11:27 pm | Reply

  5. Right. Thanks, but not everyone receiving anal sex wants pain (maybe just a touch). For those who don’t want to, they don’t have to. For those who do, to each his own. If you are too rough and don’t use enough lube, you can do permanent damage, so be careful.

    Comment by myfavouritelife — August 27, 2008 @ 5:49 am | Reply

  6. I don’t want pain for the sake of pain. But if my boyfriend asks me to do something that he wants for the sake of his pleasure, I am willing to do it, even if it might mean some discomfort or even pain for me in the process. I am only 16, but he and I recently tried anal sex a couple of times. Yes, it did hurt at first for about 20 minutes or so. But, eventually, as my boyfriend was about to cum for the third time, I focused on the sound of his moans of pleasure, and that helped me to get turned on to the point that I was totally focused on his pleasure instead of dwelling on my own pain. That made the anal sex so amazing in the end.

    Comment by Madeleine McAulay — May 24, 2012 @ 9:48 pm | Reply

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  8. I am 17 and my boyfriend loves both vaginal and anal sex with me, sometimes both on the same night. I don’t like lubes because they don’t feel right on my skin, plus they reduce the friction and pleasure. During anal sex, I think it’s normal for a girl to feel some pain during the initial entry. Nothing wrong with that. It’s just temporary, so what I do is try to focus on listening to my boyfriend and let him set the pace he wants for anal thrusting. Eventually, I know that my pain will probably subside, so I think it’s worth it because I can tell that my boyfriend loves the pleasure he gets from deep anal thrusting. And sometimes I get an orgasm from anal thrusting, so when that happens it’s a bonus. The key for me is to stay calm, stay relaxed, bite my lip for the first 15-20 minutes of anal penetration if I have to, and then just focus on breathing after each anal thrust, and listen to my boyfriend’s moans so that I can feel as if I’m experiencing his pleasure vicariously. Each time he manages to cum inside my ass, I feel so happy.

    Comment by Natalie — July 6, 2013 @ 11:47 am | Reply

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  10. I am a 19-year-old woman in college, and I have experience with anal sex. The key for the female is to stay calm, relax, and pretend you are an actress just playing a role. For me, I just imagine that I am a whore, and my motivation is simply to bring pleasure to the guy, no matter what he wants and no matter how much discomfort or pain I might feel. So my entire focus is on the guy’s pleasure, and nothing else. I trust that whatever pain I might experience will only be temporary. So that relieves me of worry, and I have learned to embrace the pain of anal sex as a good thing because the pain is a sign that the friction has reached a level of intensity that is bound to give the guy incredible pleasure — and that is the whole point. During anal sex, I am focused on watching the guy’s face for signs of pleasure. I am focused on listening to the guy’s moans for signs of pleasure. And I know that the guy is watching and listening to me, too. He wants to see and hear me moaning during anal sex, and to him the reasons for moaning do not matter. Whether I am feeling pleasure or pain or some combination of both just does not matter. What matters is that my moaning is an affirmation that the friction is real and intense, and that turns the guy on — trust me. So, my focus is on moaning to convey the sense of my own anal pleasure — because that will maximize his excitement, no matter what combination of pain and pleasure I am actually experiencing. If he asks me during anal sex whether it hurts, I always say YES. If he asks me on a pain scale of 0 to 10, I always say 10. If he asks me if I want him to stop, I always say NO. I don’t want him to stop until he is completely satisfied, even if that means he wants to cum in my ass three times. His satisfaction is my reward, and I live in that moment. The pain I feel doesn’t matter. I know it may be severe for about 20 or 30 minutes, but I also know that my pain from anal sex will only be temporary. It won’t kill me. It won’t even give me permanent injuries. I might be sore for a couple of hours or even the whole next day, but so what? It’s a small sacrifice to achieve his pleasure and satisfaction, and that is what I want to make happen. That is what validates anal sex as an act of love and selflessness.

    Comment by Sabrena — May 27, 2016 @ 8:56 am | Reply

  11. The comments on this thread make me sad. Out of my friends – only 2 females have said they enjoy anal sex. They were both raped multiple times and continue to have emotional scars of being raped.

    I didn’t mean to – but I overheard my college roommate try anal sex for the 1st time (We had paper thin walls). It remains to this day THE WORST SCREAM I”VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE. It was so painful for her that she got up and threw up. To make matters worse – she hated it (obviously) and he loved it. .. so , she continued to endure physical pain just to please him. She also went from being a fit, confident woman to gaining a ton of weight and having very little self-esteem.

    What happened to the Vagina being **MAGICAL***!!! Because IT IS!!

    Why not do something both parties enjoy? Just saying.

    Oh yeah – and I’m in the medical field now. To say there are no long risks in anal sex (beyond the STD’s) is ridiculous. (FYI – HIV and other viruses are more concentrated in the anus because the body is trying to get rid of them)

    Just search PUBMED. You will find articles that cite that ~ 40% of people who engage in anoreceptive intercourse have fecal incontinence (AKA they poop in their pants) at least once on a monthly basis. Yuck.

    Oh yeah – and just google image – “chronic thrombosed external hemorrhoids” (but not before eating)

    Or how about that tears in the anal sphincter are now one of the most common issues at clinics on college campuses.

    And if things get really bad when he pulls out – you can get rectal prolapse (your large intestine gets pulled outside of your body through the anus).

    Yup. There are some risks .

    If you like it – then more power to ya. Just be aware of the risks.

    Comment by josephine F — December 16, 2017 @ 5:05 pm | Reply

    • I am a 34-year-old woman in Delaware, and I married to the man who was my boyfriend in college from the time I was 19. So, we have been having anal sex for 15 years now. We usually do it in private, such as in the bedroom or the shower. But sometimes we have had anal sex outdoors in the dark of night in a public park or in a parking lot. Once we did it in a church building. We have never used commercial lube, just his saliva. The key for me has always been trust, calm, and relaxation. Usually, it hurts me somewhat when he first enters. But after about 5 minutes, he is able to bury his entire cock in my ass, and as he begins to thrust, I start to get turned on by the friction of anal fucking. So, it gives me enough pleasure each time to make it worthwhile. And for him, fucking my ass typically makes him cum 2-4 times, so it gives him so much pleasure. I have never had any health problems from anal sex. Over 15 years, we have had anal sex maybe 200 times each year. So, that’s 3,000 times. And I have zero health problems. My husband says that my asshole is still tight. I think that having trust in your partner, staying calm during the initial penetration, and learning to relax during the deep anal thrusting — all of these things have really helped me.

      Comment by Nancy — May 29, 2018 @ 6:14 pm | Reply

  12. I was a 19-year-old woman in college when my boyfriend and I first had sex. We were in his dorm room, nude on his bed, he had spent 30 minutes drooling saliva onto my pussy, and then he used his tongue to spread his saliva from my pussy to my anus. It felt amazing to me and I was so horny that night. The sensation of his wet tongue penetrating my anus was beyond anything I had ever imagined about pleasure. “Go ahead and feel free to fuck both of my holes,” I whispered. And so he did. As I moaned with pleasure, he began to fuck my pussy for about 3 minutes, then pulled out and fucked my asshole for 3 minutes. Then, he fucked my pussy for 3 minutes. Then my asshoke again for 3. Back and forth, over and over again. Pussy. Asshole. Pussy. Asshole. Don’t get me wrong. I did feel some intense pain during the first hour. But it was eventually outweighed by the pleasure of deep thrusting. The tip of his cock bumped against my cervix, then he switched back to my asshole, and he slowly reamed out my rectum. I had multiple orgasms, and he managed to cum twice in each hole. Since that night, we have continued to have anal sex three or four times a week for the past six years. No pregnancy, no problems, and my pain is always manageable. So fulfilling and satisfying for both of us!

    Comment by Marie — June 17, 2018 @ 2:54 am | Reply

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